Dreaming of my husband. Wish I could go back in time~

Last night was a restless night. Enrique and JC woke up at 3AM and thought it was morning or  something. Anyways when I woke up, I thought Randall was mad about something. Then I remembered, he is gone. After the boys settled down, JC ended up crawling into Gramma's bed. As I fell asleep, I kept touching Something at the bottom of the bed with my foot. It felt like Randall was stretched out at the bottom of the bed, with his foot rubbing against mine. Whenever I couldn't sleep and did not want to wake him, I would barely touch his foot with my foot and got to sleep like that. Oh If I had one more day with him, to tell him how much I love him. But one day, we will meet again. I feel there is only a thin veil separating my sweet husband and me. Oh, to take back every time I pouted or complained, every time I was jealous or petty or selfish. I do feel terribly guilty. I should have been able to do something to save him. This is what my grief devotional says:
 False Guilt: Satan's Lies

"Yes, Satan knows when to come. He lays it on you," explained Dr. E. V. Hill. "I just want you to know it's not of God; it's the devil. God isn't punishing you at all. The devil's doing that."

The guilt and blame you hear echoing in your head is Satan lying to you. Understand and believe this. 

Dr. Hill said, "So watch the fact that it's not the voice of the Holy Spirit. It's the visitation of the devil. Rebuke it as such. Stick with your faith in God no matter how it hurts. And God has a great reward for you."

When guilt rears its head, stay focused on the truth and do not be deceived by lies.

"He [the devil] was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies" (John 8:44).

Holy Spirit of God, teach me to recognize Your voice and to follow it with assurance. Amen

I love my family

Valentine's Day

Usually, Randall and I did not go all our for Valentine's Day. In the old days, he brought me home a nice card and we had ummmm passionate, intense, cuddling????!!!!! Until the year I was pregnant with Jon, Dr. Abraham figure out I must have gotten pregnant on Valentine's Day, and Randall made a joke. "From now on, I am getting you roses>" The doctor went on to say something about Cupid's Arrows flying deep, Everyone in the doctors office must have been listening and started cracking up. I was her first tubal ligation/cut and burn failure Everyone thought Randy was so funny and my family and other people will still bring it up. He didn't crack many jokes but when he did, he was hilarious. He had a deep belly laugh.  So usually Randall gave me flowers or candy or something a little special. He hated to shop.  Last year for Valentine's Day, I told him let's do something different so I got reservations at Hibachi Steak House. Even with reservations,  we STILL had to wait an hour. Everyone in line had reservations, and had to wait, never heard of that before. But we enjoyed our dinner. Jon, James and Tab ate with us. Tab had never been to a place like that before and was a little overwhelmed. When she was served her steak, she asked for ketchup. The chef or hibachi guy was hilarious. It took them forever to find some ketchup and then they brought her a whole bowl full.  Randall normally would not have stood in line for an hour after he worked all day but he said he did not mind. He was my sweet valentine. I hope everyone has a very loving day. 

Alone, me, God and the tv

I never liked being alone for very long at a time. Now, I am alone. I keep the tv on for company I guess. I keep the laptop on my lap, maybe to keep me from thinking. But I am not alone. God is on this journey with me. I have to just accept His Will. I think of the other widows I have read about on GROWW and Widdahood, who have lost a husband and have young children. Thank you God for the wonderful years I had with my husband. Thank you God that he was my best friend. Thank you Lord, that i married the love of my life. Thank you Lord, for our home, our vehicles, our children, that Randall gave me. Thank you Lord, for this wonderful man who loved me. Forgive me Lord, for feeling sorry for myself. Forgive me Lord, for all the times I was jealous, petty. dishonest, sarcastic, lazy. I could have made Randall's life a lot happier. Lord, please watch over my family and keep them safe. Thank you God for the outpouring of love from my church family, my friends and family, Randall's friends at work. Lord, watch over my children, the coal miners, Randy's mom, my sisters and brothers, the people on our prayer list. One of the happiest days of my life when Randall told me he loved me, only me and asked me to marry him. We were such babies, only 19 years old.

Our wedding= was probably the most beautiful wedding in the world. It was on July 4, 1976 at my poppaw Toneys front yard at 11 am. They had to cancel church for my wedding, just like they did for Randall's funeral. I love my church family. God is so good. We were so happy, the very happiest day of my life. Our pictures are beautiful because we were so happy. My sister, Neatie and my mother fixed all the food. We bought dented beer from the beer distributor. We went on a honeymoon to Myrtle Beach, first time I saw the ocean. Randall unsnapped my bra and threw it out the window on our way to the beach. On my wedding day, Randall carried me around all day long. We were made for each other. Marriage was so easy that first year. We did not have one arguement the entire first year. Just love, love, love.

The next happiest day of my life would have to be when I had my baby girl. The entire time I was pregnant, I knew it was going to be a girl. Randall wanted to call the baby Randall Ray if it was a boy and I picked Miranda Rose but he wanted her named after him, Miranda Rae. My mother had a complete trunk full of pink baby clothes, blankets, by the time Miranda was born. BARH was the place to have a baby. The nurses gave back rubs, checked on you often. I was in labor almost 24 hours, almost fully dilated and Miranda's heart rate went down. Her cord was between her cheek bone and my pelvic bone. So we had an emergency c-section. I was pretty sore. Dr. Abraham delivered all 3 of my babies and my 2 tubal ligations. The parents were served a steak dinner the day after delivery complete with a rose on the table. I was in the hospital a week with Miranda. Then Randy broke the news that our water was messed up. Mom thought it would be a good idea for me to stay at her house for a few days, which turned into 2 weeks. Talk about pampered! Oh but she enjoyed it and so did daddy. They loved Miranda so much. Mommy gave her her first bath. Finally, Randy said this is enough and we went home. I cried. I didn't think I could take care of such a tiny perfect baby. I felt guilty. He had fixed the trailer with flowers everywhere and they were all pretty wilted. Our water was barely fixed, it was a problem until we got city water a few years ago. Randy was always fooling with the water pump or the lines, Busy man.
Randall loved living in the country We had to have a garden, then we started collecting animals: pigs, a pony, dogs, rabbits, chickens. He took care of just about everything. We canned, picked berries, He butchered the hog. I made sausage, pork rinds. I made Miranda's baby food from our garden stuff. I was about the only mother I knew breastfeeding. It was not done at that time. We were busy people, a family. I was very involved in church but not Randy but he always supported me. 

Then we started building a house. and Randy's dad became more ill. Leila was going to put him in VA nursing home and Randall said, no he is going to move in with us and he did. Randy always took care of his dad. I can remember them talking late into the night, working on the house. Those were happy days, even though Shorty went back and forth to the hospital. He could not quit drinking beer and he was such a bad diabetic. One day, randy said I want another baby, a boy. I can almost guarantee, the next day I was pregnant. Poor Shorty died when I was 6 months pregnant with James, his namesake. Oh How Randall grieved. That is why I know he would understand how I feel. His dad was 56 when he died, I used to tell Randy if he didn't quit drinking, smoking and taking better of himself, he would die like his daddy did. How I regret those words. Randall did everything the doctor told him to do but he is gone. I wish I had taken better care of himself. Anyways, James was my only baby I delivered vaginally. It was an easy delivery and I was so very happy.  But he was very ill when he was born. He was an 8 month baby and his lungs were not fully developed. He had hyaline membrane disease. Dr. Gogo came in and told me 1 out of every 4 babies died. That is what President Kennedy's baby died of when he was in the White House. So what started out as a happy birth turned into a scary situation. He was in the hospital 8 days. That is when Miranda decided to become a preemie nurse. Randall grieved for his daddy forever, I guess. That first year was tough. I had a baby boy who stayed sick. Randall, who was miserable, sad, drinking a lot because of his pain and perfect little Miranda, treating James like he was one of her baby dolls. But life moved on. Randall's dad was not perfect but Randy was really all he had. Randall took such good care of him, visiting him every day in the hospital, talking to him for hours and hours, doing all the personal care stuff a nurse would do, checking his sugar, giving him his insulin, taking care of his amputated legs. Just for that, Randall should be in heaven. Randall must have always been manly, taking care of things. One dream I had, after he died, Randall was in junior high, playing football. He had the ball and he was running so fast and was so beautiful, and he turned and looked at me and smiled.  His mom told me she did not ever go to any of his ball games. She had never seen him roller skate. He was a wonderful skater, so graceful to be so big. I could not skate. He used to go skating every weekend for years. He was good at everything. But he never bragged about it I saw him in a few fights, it was not pretty. When Randall was growing up, his parents constantly moved, just from one apartment to the other. So this house that he helped build, was his only home, unless you count that little apartment we had on Charles Street. You could never say a bad word about Randall' parents, especially his mother so lots of things were left unsaid but he had a rough life growing up. He grew up fast.


We just had one vehicle most of the time during those early years so mommy would take me to  Beckley. Randall and I usually went to Beckley together on payday. James and Miranda were very close. It seemed like everytime we would start to get ahead, there would be a layoff, or Randy would wreck or a strike but those were good years. I went on a diet and started walking and lost 100 pounds but no matter my size, I always felt like Randall loved me. We laughed a lot. The kids were sweet, every day was filled with hope and purpose. We talked about our children's future. Randall did not want the kids working in the coal mines. He wanted them to have a good education. I felt the same way. We always talked about what kind of adults we hoped they grew into. Honest, smart, independent, tough. I think we did a good job.

I always tried to help out, taking little jobs, selling rubber maid, friendly home toys, but I started a catering business with Randy Fraley and lost a lot of money but had some fun. It was beautiful over there and James and Miranda enjoyed it. Through it all, Randall worked, helped me when he could, came home to an empty house without complaining.

7 years after James was born, I found out I was pregnant with Jonathan. What a surprise, since I had my tubes cut, tied and burned right after James was born What a blessing JOn turned out to be. I loved my little family. I had always wanted 3 children. I always got what I really wanted. God blessed me with those children.  I wish I had those precious days. My greatest joy has been my family, being a mother and a wife.
 When mommy lost her sight and then became confused, We  moved her in with us. Randall did not complain. We took care of daddy I worked and went to school. Randall supported me and the children in anything we tried to do.

RANDALL was out and about in all kinds of weather, spending a lot of time in his little building, working on stuff. When James went into the hospital in 1986, Dr. Israel talked to Randall about not smoking in the house. He quit smoking in the house that very day, went home, threw all the ashtrays away. At that time, everyone just about was still smoking so when the carpet people came to put in new carpet, I had to ask them not to smoke, One guy got really mad. I think that is when all of our friends stopped visiting us. The smokers at least. His cousins, Ralph and Jimmy, but that is ok.

God is good to me, even when I am brokenhearted.

Today was a pretty good day. Lots of snow. I just cried a little bit today. Jon and his girlfriend are here. James and Tab left. I fixed a real breakfast. Since my husband died, I have had an aversion to cooking. I don't eat all day. Then at night, when everyone is asleep, I eat. I can't shop at our old shopping place. Last time, I ran into someone I knew and burst into tears, left my shopping cart and ran out of the store. I miss buying Randall's lunch stuff, his favorite things to eat, the things he needed to eat. (doctor's orders). I miss calling him from the store after work, to make sure he made it home ok and to see if there was anything else he needed. I miss laying beside him in bed. I miss sitting quietly in the living room with him in his chair. I miss being a wife. But today was a pretty good day. We had a tree full of cardinals, with their feathers all fluffed out. We had a beautiful snowfall. I have enjoyed listening to the easy way Jon and Renee work together as they made hundreds of goodies for a bake sale at college. They figure cost, profit, price, how much of everything they need. Then they got into a food fight with brownie mix. It is easy to see they are happy and that makes me happy. I enjoyed tastes of good food today. I enjoy walking straight up this hill everyday with Angel and the boys. Today, too much snow so I did not go. There is another reason I feel better. In my Dream blog, I mentioned Randall asked me to contact a girl named Lynn who had a near death experience. So I did. I always tried to do what he asked me to do. This is the letter I sent her and her reply back. Do I believe in Heaven. I sure do. Do I believe my husband is lingering close to me right now. I sure do. I believe Randall has been trying to reassure me he is ok. I miss him so much. I hated to be away from him. I will love him and some day we will be together forever.

Thursday

Kathy Fraley Reid

• I loved reading about your near death experience and your recent posts about dreams. Please don't think I am crazy! My 54 year old husband died suddenly on Oct. 4, 2011. I am heartbroken. I have been dreaming about him for the last several nights. 2 nights ago, it seemed he was trying to reassure me that he was ok, that he was watching out for me.
  In my dream 2 nights ago, he told me to talk to YOU, Lynn Dauer, that you could tell me about it, that you were there. Almost like you knew him, which is crazy. I think my husband and I discussed your near death experience but I am pretty sure you did not know my husband. His name was Randall Reid. He was the love of my life and I am heartbroken. He worked so hard and was just a good guy. If you can give me any insight on my dream, thank you. I just want to know he is ok. I wish he was here with me. I miss him so much. God bless you and keep us in your prayers.
  Kathy Fraley Reid

Thursday

Lynn 

• Kathy, I looked at the pictures of Randall...I'm not for sure if I may have met him before or not. He looks like such a fun and happy man. He reminds me a little of my uncle Raymond....like he never met a stranger before. In all my years of EMS I have met tons of people. I love meeting new people. I may be able to tell you some things to ease your troubled heart.
  Faith is the most powerful thing in the world....and that Heaven is REAL. Jesus is REAL. All of the stories of his healing and love in the Bible were REAL.
  I know now what Jesus meant when he told his disciples to have the faith of a mustard seed....you see, a mustard seed is the smallest seed that one can plant in a garden. Before long, that seed turns into the plant. A mustard plant will consume your entire garden. Thats how great faith works. We start out with just enough, and before we know it. It grows out of control. That faith can move mountains!
  When I sat in my car after my brain exploded (thats what I call it..because i felt it explode) I had just the faith that I had all my life. I believed in God and in Jesus. I believed in heaven and hell. I just put things like that on a back burner, because I was young and never thought of death in my near future.
  As I sat in the car and realized that death was near, that faith bloomed out of control. My first thought and most important was my soul. Not my kids, or my family, but my salvation and relationship with Jesus.
  I believe Randall had the same experience. I believe that God gives us that chance. I knew for weeks that something major was about to happen to me. I felt many burdens on my soul, and I cried alone. I didn't understand, but now I do. God was getting me ready for something. I would say that he also was preparing your husband. Whether he told you anything or not. I bet he knew something was coming.
  After that faith overtook me in the car, I was not afraid of death. I prayed for a quick death, and for the comfort of my family. But scared, I was not. Even in morgantown, I would constantly tell my family, "Dont cry for me", "I know where Im going, and Im ready". Im sure that Randall would say to you and your family, "Dont cry for me".
  If he heard those voices that I heard...how can you be scared? I never got to physically see my voices...If I would have seen my grandparents, I probably wouldn't have wanted to live anymore. I miss them more every day.
  I've learned through all of this, that life is short and we all need to live it well. When this life is over, the next one begins. Our loved ones are only 3 feet above our ground, in a different dimension. One that most cant see. They are aware of things that happen to us (only good things.) They visit us on special occasions, like holidays and birthdays.
  They cant visit us if we are constantly sad, they dont want us to be sad.
  Remember, there is no saddness in heaven. No tears are shed in heaven. If they could see EVERYTHING we do, Im sure they would be sad or angry at us. But they cant. They only are aware of good things....Like new babies, when we get saved, or when someone graduates. Time to them doesn't matter. We may miss them more everyday...but to them, no time has passed. Time doesn't mean anything.
  When Randall got to heaven and seen his loved ones, no time had really passed since the last time that he saw them. They had a wonderful reunion and that reunion is still going on. He would want you to live on and live good. Enjoy your kids and grand kids. This life is short and passes by fast. When you see him again, it will be like you were never apart.
  I hope this will give you some comfort. I've never written anyone a letter like this. I dont even know if I am worthy to write a letter like this. I know that God is Good ALL THE TIME.
  I had a cousin who was killed my a drunk driver on April 1st of last year. He was more like my brother than my cousin. We were only one year apart, and lived beside each other. I miss him more everyday...but I find my comfort in knowing that he is with momaw and popaw, and that popaw told me that they were rivers in heaven, and that the fishing is great! When I get there, me and Jason will fish for a long time in those rivers. Just like when we were little.
  I will definately pray for you Kathy....my only request is that you pray for me too.
  Lets live everyday with the faith of that mustard seed.
  Live it well Kathy Reid.
  Your friend,
  Lynn.

Thursday

Kathy Fraley Reid

• Thank you so much for your letter. I think that is what Randall was telling me, that you knew he was in heaven. It is funny you mentioned rivers and fishing. That was another of my dreams. Randall was walking around, checking everyone's lines, making sure they had bait, casting. There were several men fishing in the river but the only ones I recognized was Randy and his dad who passed away in 1985. I know Randall believed in God and he had faith. He did seem prepared for death. My daughter and I both felt like he had acted differently, that he wanted to get better, that he thought he was very ill but thought the doctors fixed him. Randy had been at CAMC Memorial with a bleeding ulcer, came home and died that evening in my living room, bled out, although they pronounced him dead at RGH. I sure will keep you in my prayers, I will keep the faith. God Bless you, Kathy Reid

1975

The way I feel now reminds me of how I felt before Randall. Incomplete. I was searching for something, someone.I felt so alone even when I was with friends or family. I always knew Randall had my best interests at heart, that he would protect me from all harm. Now my closest friend is Jesus. I am trying to let my kids lead their own lives but right now I need all 3 of them so desperately.
  I graduated from an allwhite high school, 35 students in my graduating class of 1974. For some reason, I decided to go to Marshall University. Culture Shock, oh yes. Growing up, our family had one tv with rabbit ears and one station. So I was unprepared for the freedom, alcohol, pot, language, the casual sex. I did not fit in but I tried. I went to keg parties, bathtub parties--- with a tub full of purple Jesus=-grain alcohol and grape juice, steer and beer night at a restaurant where you could get all the beer you could drink and all the steak you could eat for 5 dollars or something. I remember throwing up from the 8th floor  window with my feet not even touching the floor. How easily I could have fell to my death. My grades were good but I did not go back to school. My aunt Larita got me a really good job at BARH and I was soon a ward clerk. Then I decided to share that little trailer with some girlfriends. I spent all my money on clothes-- elephant leg jeans, hippy smocks, makeup, mo and of course running around and lived on nasty cheap food like boil in bag turkey strips. Sometimes we spread peanut butter on canned biscuits and baked those. Things were ok. I had not yet met the man I wanted to marry. I was old fashioned. I was saving myself for marriage. I was romantic. I was called the professional virgin, cherry, virgin mary, sister charity and so on but I knew sex was worth waiting for. I was not particularly religious during this phase of my life. I was always spiritual, prayed and tried to be good but I could not party and go to church. I know my parents worried about me and I am sorry for that.  New Year 1976 Joyce Thomasson and I threw a party and no one showed up not even our room mates. Then about 1230 these drunk guys stopped by cause they had heard we were having a wild party. I remember them  chasing us all over the trailer. We were jumping from the table to the couch to the kitchen counter trying to get away from them. We locked ourselves in the bedroom and they finally left. Crazy Days. Yes, I was looking for love in all the wrong places. It was fun running around with a gang of good looking girls. We would hear a song we liked on the radio and would jump out and start dancing. We felt safe around everyone, We seldom paid for anything. One girl was sort of fat and dumpy looking, older than most of us. But every weekend,  she had a date with a beautiful good looking guy. Sometimes 2 of them would pick her up. Later we found out, all the guys were gay, She was gay and they were devil worshipers. She showed me some of her witch stuff. It was scary. She talked all the time about this club they went to and did poppers but I never knew what she was talking about.

I journey back in time 1975-1976

We met on the weekend after Valentine Day. I remember thinking another VD and no boyfriend. I was living in a little trailer behind Fotos Meat Market with several other girls, who came and went. Nancy was an LPN at BARH on midnight shift. I was a ward clerk. Anyways this goofy boy called the trailer all day, asking for me, telling Nancy he wanted to take me to a party. She finally told him if he would stop calling, I would go out with him. So when I got home, there he sat, and there sat Nancy, mad as a wet hen so I went to the party with Bobby Holiday. The party turned out to be at Randall's apartment. Randy was with this beautiful girl named Jenny but I didn't know any of this. Bobby went to get some beer from the frig.  I sat down on the couch. Jenny was perched on the arm of the chair and out of the kitchen emerged the most handsome man I had ever seen. He had long blonde hair, suntanned skin, even in Feb., tight blue jeans and a blue tight tshirt and blue suede boots. I had on a thin soft green sweater and tight jeans and clogs.  He sat down beside me. He started talking, asking me where I was from. He said:"Where you been all my life?" I looked into his eyes and said Clear Creek. He thought that was so funny. Then he touched my hair and I said: I guess I was waiting for you to show up." We stood up and touched hands, electricity. He pulled me close to him, to see how much taller he was than me. 5 foot 2 and 6 ft. 4.  Everyone in the room kept trying to get my attention or talk to Randy. They said he had never acted like that before.  We sat and talked all night. I don't even know what happened to our dates or anyone else in the room. We fell in love the moment our eyes met. Of course, I finally had to go home. He walked me to the porch. Then he walked me to the car and started it up for me and laughed at my pinto.  I never did find my date but at least I had my pinto.The next day, I could not find my purse. I remembered leaving it at Randy's the night before. I went back to his apartment. I knocked on the door. He opened the door and I walked in. I think we have been together ever since. We were married 4 months later on the 4th of July, 1976. I know some people go their entire life searching for love like we had. We had a passionate marriage right up to the end. Oh of course we had problems but we always, always loved each other.  Together Forever.