Alone, me, God and the tv

I never liked being alone for very long at a time. Now, I am alone. I keep the tv on for company I guess. I keep the laptop on my lap, maybe to keep me from thinking. But I am not alone. God is on this journey with me. I have to just accept His Will. I think of the other widows I have read about on GROWW and Widdahood, who have lost a husband and have young children. Thank you God for the wonderful years I had with my husband. Thank you God that he was my best friend. Thank you Lord, that i married the love of my life. Thank you Lord, for our home, our vehicles, our children, that Randall gave me. Thank you Lord, for this wonderful man who loved me. Forgive me Lord, for feeling sorry for myself. Forgive me Lord, for all the times I was jealous, petty. dishonest, sarcastic, lazy. I could have made Randall's life a lot happier. Lord, please watch over my family and keep them safe. Thank you God for the outpouring of love from my church family, my friends and family, Randall's friends at work. Lord, watch over my children, the coal miners, Randy's mom, my sisters and brothers, the people on our prayer list. One of the happiest days of my life when Randall told me he loved me, only me and asked me to marry him. We were such babies, only 19 years old.

Our wedding= was probably the most beautiful wedding in the world. It was on July 4, 1976 at my poppaw Toneys front yard at 11 am. They had to cancel church for my wedding, just like they did for Randall's funeral. I love my church family. God is so good. We were so happy, the very happiest day of my life. Our pictures are beautiful because we were so happy. My sister, Neatie and my mother fixed all the food. We bought dented beer from the beer distributor. We went on a honeymoon to Myrtle Beach, first time I saw the ocean. Randall unsnapped my bra and threw it out the window on our way to the beach. On my wedding day, Randall carried me around all day long. We were made for each other. Marriage was so easy that first year. We did not have one arguement the entire first year. Just love, love, love.

The next happiest day of my life would have to be when I had my baby girl. The entire time I was pregnant, I knew it was going to be a girl. Randall wanted to call the baby Randall Ray if it was a boy and I picked Miranda Rose but he wanted her named after him, Miranda Rae. My mother had a complete trunk full of pink baby clothes, blankets, by the time Miranda was born. BARH was the place to have a baby. The nurses gave back rubs, checked on you often. I was in labor almost 24 hours, almost fully dilated and Miranda's heart rate went down. Her cord was between her cheek bone and my pelvic bone. So we had an emergency c-section. I was pretty sore. Dr. Abraham delivered all 3 of my babies and my 2 tubal ligations. The parents were served a steak dinner the day after delivery complete with a rose on the table. I was in the hospital a week with Miranda. Then Randy broke the news that our water was messed up. Mom thought it would be a good idea for me to stay at her house for a few days, which turned into 2 weeks. Talk about pampered! Oh but she enjoyed it and so did daddy. They loved Miranda so much. Mommy gave her her first bath. Finally, Randy said this is enough and we went home. I cried. I didn't think I could take care of such a tiny perfect baby. I felt guilty. He had fixed the trailer with flowers everywhere and they were all pretty wilted. Our water was barely fixed, it was a problem until we got city water a few years ago. Randy was always fooling with the water pump or the lines, Busy man.
Randall loved living in the country We had to have a garden, then we started collecting animals: pigs, a pony, dogs, rabbits, chickens. He took care of just about everything. We canned, picked berries, He butchered the hog. I made sausage, pork rinds. I made Miranda's baby food from our garden stuff. I was about the only mother I knew breastfeeding. It was not done at that time. We were busy people, a family. I was very involved in church but not Randy but he always supported me. 

Then we started building a house. and Randy's dad became more ill. Leila was going to put him in VA nursing home and Randall said, no he is going to move in with us and he did. Randy always took care of his dad. I can remember them talking late into the night, working on the house. Those were happy days, even though Shorty went back and forth to the hospital. He could not quit drinking beer and he was such a bad diabetic. One day, randy said I want another baby, a boy. I can almost guarantee, the next day I was pregnant. Poor Shorty died when I was 6 months pregnant with James, his namesake. Oh How Randall grieved. That is why I know he would understand how I feel. His dad was 56 when he died, I used to tell Randy if he didn't quit drinking, smoking and taking better of himself, he would die like his daddy did. How I regret those words. Randall did everything the doctor told him to do but he is gone. I wish I had taken better care of himself. Anyways, James was my only baby I delivered vaginally. It was an easy delivery and I was so very happy.  But he was very ill when he was born. He was an 8 month baby and his lungs were not fully developed. He had hyaline membrane disease. Dr. Gogo came in and told me 1 out of every 4 babies died. That is what President Kennedy's baby died of when he was in the White House. So what started out as a happy birth turned into a scary situation. He was in the hospital 8 days. That is when Miranda decided to become a preemie nurse. Randall grieved for his daddy forever, I guess. That first year was tough. I had a baby boy who stayed sick. Randall, who was miserable, sad, drinking a lot because of his pain and perfect little Miranda, treating James like he was one of her baby dolls. But life moved on. Randall's dad was not perfect but Randy was really all he had. Randall took such good care of him, visiting him every day in the hospital, talking to him for hours and hours, doing all the personal care stuff a nurse would do, checking his sugar, giving him his insulin, taking care of his amputated legs. Just for that, Randall should be in heaven. Randall must have always been manly, taking care of things. One dream I had, after he died, Randall was in junior high, playing football. He had the ball and he was running so fast and was so beautiful, and he turned and looked at me and smiled.  His mom told me she did not ever go to any of his ball games. She had never seen him roller skate. He was a wonderful skater, so graceful to be so big. I could not skate. He used to go skating every weekend for years. He was good at everything. But he never bragged about it I saw him in a few fights, it was not pretty. When Randall was growing up, his parents constantly moved, just from one apartment to the other. So this house that he helped build, was his only home, unless you count that little apartment we had on Charles Street. You could never say a bad word about Randall' parents, especially his mother so lots of things were left unsaid but he had a rough life growing up. He grew up fast.


We just had one vehicle most of the time during those early years so mommy would take me to  Beckley. Randall and I usually went to Beckley together on payday. James and Miranda were very close. It seemed like everytime we would start to get ahead, there would be a layoff, or Randy would wreck or a strike but those were good years. I went on a diet and started walking and lost 100 pounds but no matter my size, I always felt like Randall loved me. We laughed a lot. The kids were sweet, every day was filled with hope and purpose. We talked about our children's future. Randall did not want the kids working in the coal mines. He wanted them to have a good education. I felt the same way. We always talked about what kind of adults we hoped they grew into. Honest, smart, independent, tough. I think we did a good job.

I always tried to help out, taking little jobs, selling rubber maid, friendly home toys, but I started a catering business with Randy Fraley and lost a lot of money but had some fun. It was beautiful over there and James and Miranda enjoyed it. Through it all, Randall worked, helped me when he could, came home to an empty house without complaining.

7 years after James was born, I found out I was pregnant with Jonathan. What a surprise, since I had my tubes cut, tied and burned right after James was born What a blessing JOn turned out to be. I loved my little family. I had always wanted 3 children. I always got what I really wanted. God blessed me with those children.  I wish I had those precious days. My greatest joy has been my family, being a mother and a wife.
 When mommy lost her sight and then became confused, We  moved her in with us. Randall did not complain. We took care of daddy I worked and went to school. Randall supported me and the children in anything we tried to do.

RANDALL was out and about in all kinds of weather, spending a lot of time in his little building, working on stuff. When James went into the hospital in 1986, Dr. Israel talked to Randall about not smoking in the house. He quit smoking in the house that very day, went home, threw all the ashtrays away. At that time, everyone just about was still smoking so when the carpet people came to put in new carpet, I had to ask them not to smoke, One guy got really mad. I think that is when all of our friends stopped visiting us. The smokers at least. His cousins, Ralph and Jimmy, but that is ok.