The worst night of my life

Christmas 2009, our family, before  the sweet new daughter in law plus the sweet old foreign exchange student.I loved being married. Randall was my first and only love, my rock, my passion, my best friend. He knew what I was thinking. We communicated without talking. Oh, my God, I love that man. 6 foot 4, solid muscle. He took care of everything for me. Randall was a coal miner, roof bolter. Everyone who worked with him, respected him. Our children are remarkable. Randall was a gardener, loved to be in the garden by himself.  I feel I am on a journey, I let myself go back from that night, remembering nights full of passion, days full of laughter, busy days where we barely saw each other. I remember the night we met, our wedding day, I find myself drifting away. I just find it hard to go forward from that night, October 4, 2011. It was a life changing event. Randall and I were by ourselves. He just came home from the hospital that day.  He had been very ill with a bleeding ulcer, but the doctor said they fixed it. I was so dumb. I kept asking questions but did not get the right answers. I should have been more assertive.
On Oct. 4, we were relaxing, He was on the couch, I was in the lazyboy. He said his stomach felt a little funny but other than than, everything seemed normal. jon called and I was talking to him, asking Randy questions, etc. Then he fell over onto his knees. I asked him what was wrong and went over and helped him back on the couch and he fell over again. He is smart. He knew what was going on. I called 911 and then Gwennie. Jon called Angel. But nothing helped. My baby died on my living room floor, he bled out, There was a trail of blood from the couch, out the door, down the sidewalk. The paramedics made me step away. I never stopped praying. Randall squeezed my hand when I told him God loved him and would take care of him. Then I went out in the yard and prayed and then I screamed over and over for God to help my husband, to save him, to help my family. I twirled all over the yard, in a frenzy for God to hear my prayers. I know God was with Randall that night. I don't understand why he died. I was so cold. I stayed with him all night, till the children came in. Kitty, Elbert, Gwen, Roger Holstein, Angel they all tried so hard to save my husband. They tried to comfort me but I could not be comforted. I love that man. We were one and now Who am I? Oh why did he die? I need him so much. I cry every day. Even in death, he looked so alive, so strong. I feel so guilty. Our youngest son had just left for college. We had our empty nest. We were on the same shift. We hugged each other every day. I told him how sorry I was for all the times I was petty, jealous, grouchy and I was trying to be nicer. But I need to move from that night. Randall would not want me to remember the worst night of our life. I love you Randall, until we meet again.